I'm punching, kicking, screaming, crying, laughing, dying













in the inside.

QuitZ.

Is this quality even worthy to be proud of?
Not saying that i'm proud that i've built my walls up so high that even the guy most worthy of my heart is unable to break them down.



What if we've all been fooled into thinking that each experience is a "learning experience" when really all we've learned is to not give away anything that would tear ourselves into pieces that we alone can't fix. When all we've really learned is to keep ourselves safe from harm. To stay on the sidewalk. To keep your heart, 3 stacks because these guys are smart, 3 stacks...and we've just gotta play our part, 3 stacks.







I'm dying for someone to show me the side of myself that isn't afraid to let everything go.

Bringing the underdog back to the front of the race, nawmsayin?
The one who'd make me careless, fearless, stronger, better, unashamed, and foolish.



The person who could do that for me
will be the winner.



If you're out there, will you dance with me?

East.

It's funny who you run into throughout your days. One day, God decides that you need to appreciate what you have @ home and makes you meet a guy like Joey: so rooted in his hometown - never wanting to leave. Preferring the comfort of knowing everyone. Preferring the adventure @ home that's still waiting for him. And one day God decides that you need a different perspective of something. On this day, he'd take you to someone who, like myself, craves adventure. Somebody free and is willing to share their experiences with you - hoping you'd make the (right) decision in leaving your home and discovering new places, new faces, and most importantly, yourself.

I've been wasting my days sleeping away. Basking in my self-pity, knowing after the bullshit @ school is over, i'd still end up in the same place i am now. So unmotivated. So boring! So NOT me.
And after church today, i ask myself: when did you ever lose the sight of the horizon?

It's cliche, but it's true: you never know where life may take you.
I am one who finds comfort in a "game plan." - formulated after days of countless contemplating in chapels, in my bedroom, in cars. Planned out my every move during my sleepless nights. No room for distractions, dawg. No room for vacations, i think. NO fooling around in college, nick.

But today, i bask in my new found glory and tell myself: Nick, Maybe it's about the journey and not the finish line.

don't know,
don't care.
just SHOW me something fucking new.

Mama, it's official.
i've accepted that i'm a good girl @ heart,
and i'm not ashamed of it ANYMORE.

Fill the void.
Fill in the cracks.
Put the pieces back together.


Let me just take off the sign on my forehead that says, "fuck off."
I don't get it.

What will get you farther?

what you truly love?
or what proves to be more prestigious in the work field?

personal statement #1

Maximum words: 250
Word count: 249

Prompt: What decade from the 20th century would you like to live? Why?


Picture this: a woman walking down the side walks of the city wearing a vintage, brown, sleeveless dress with buttons starting from the breast and ending just above her waist, fastened with a thin, black belt, and finished with black pumps. This woman, despite the difficulties she faces by World War II in the 1940’s, still manages to look as elegant and beautiful as can be. This fashion sense has always appealed to me because it is simple, elegant, and classy, and if going back in time means wearing the clothes from the 1940s, I would definitely not hesitate. In fact, my style is mostly inspired by the 1940’s fashion: the high-waisted shorts and skirts, the floral dresses, the blazers with puffy shoulders, the high heels. Women from the 1940s send a vibe that they are not afraid to embrace their feminism, and it’s a quality I truly adore.
Actresses of the times like Katharine Hepburn, Bette Davis, and Ingrid Bergman were all fashion idols. They were glamorous, yet conservative with what they wore – as mostly all women at that time were. Their dresses up to their knees, their shirts tucked into their shorts were almost effortless ways to look good and feel comfortable at the same time. My style closely resembles theirs in that I try to be as simple and conservative in what I wear. Truly a fashion era I would love to experience myself: elegant like a woman should be – simple, but never losing its appeal.

Blase
because it's the same shit different day.

Epistles.

I'm begging you.
Please take me back to that grade school shit.
The days where you need a messenger to send a love letter.
The days where holding hands would suffice.
The days where first kisses were the biggest thing.


I'm begging you.
Please make me feel like a little girl again.
The days where you get butterflies because of a simple myspace comment.
Where a simple text would make a day extra special.
The days where talking on the phone never had an end: falling asleep and waking up STILL on the phone and saying goodmorning.

I'm begging you.
Please take me higher.
Out of sin.
Out of the depths of lies, deception, games.
Out of doubt, uncertainty, insecurities.


Please, make me want to be better than i am.



Have you ever felt like you're constantly letting it slip?
"I'm so aware, yet so detached."
Have you ever felt like you know what you want, but doubt it'd never happen?
Have you ever felt like you can't go back but wish you could just to feel like you're still intact?
Have you ever felt so frustrated because you can't match up?
Have you ever felt tired because you're the only one that cares so much?
Have you ever felt so careless because someone totally just let you walk out of their lives without a fight?



A girl like me
who has everything and more @ her feet
and who has no reason to complain or feel sad or mad or anything with a negative connotation still does.
I've lost more than i've bargained for.
i've lost more than the other.



Isn't is funny how you can have everything @ your feet
and still feel like you have nothing at all?

All love.

Clear your mind for a sec.
and close your eyes.
Breathe in. Breathe out.


Now ask yourself:
what makes you truly happy?



Could it be your family? or your friends?
Could it be that special someone?
or ASB? Is it work? is it traveling? Is it writing?
Or could it be as simple as sitting in a coffee shop and reading a book?
Is it prestige? Is it knowledge? Ignorance?
Could it be Church? Or how about art?
music? dance?
picture it vividly in your mind.



Now take a snapshot of that image.
Are you seeing it? Yourself looking and feeling genuinely happy?
Now take this image everywhere you go.
and hammer it into your days.
In turn, your days will be as blissful as if you were born yesterday.
Don't let yourself stray from this image -- no matter how much you are bombarded of the desires of your companions. For their desires are solely theirs, and yours solely yours. Besides, their desires won't do YOU any good. So don't fret when you come across a desire more prestigious, fancier, cooler, or whatever 'more' it may be. Because the things that make you genuinely happy couldn't even compare. Why you may ask?


The simple answer is this:
BECAUSE IT IS YOURS.

"I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone."

you and i we can affect the world.

it's true:

once you're in,
you can never go back.



my life is characterized by work, love, and play.
each one coming together each day.
we work for love, to love, because of love.
we work now with hopes of better & more play tomorrow.
we work.


& i sit here doing work thinking: what a lonely life this is
when working alone has become an everyday thing.
& i wonder: will there ever be relief?

i'm so aware yet so detached.
and i wonder, will there ever be a haven?

and above all, i wonder
when i'll get to shed the skin i'm in.
'cause i've grown tired of this one.

Goood lookin' out.

It's raining today. and i love it :D

I took my SAT's today. And i hated it. The material isn't so hard. It's the time that makes me not want to care! It's the longest test of my life, and each time i read a question i ask, "can i just not care!?"

Anyways, i had the coolest day yestuhday!

If you really knew me, you'd know that i can walk in a room filled with strangers, meet (or sometimes just start a conversation with) two or three, and walk out confident that i can give you a whole page of information about 'em. So this is how my day began:

i woke at 8 to see that i had a new text reading: "hey nick, are you going to the meeting today?" and i go, "wtf! there's a meeting today!" and i look at my calendar, scroll down to 23rd, and read: "FOL MEETING: 9-12; Internship Open House: 2-3:30pm." So, i jumped outta bed, showered, and left the house looking like shit (as always). Rushed to school (it was raining) to find no one there! I walked all over campus to see if anyone decided to at least show face, but i guess the rain made them not want to get outta bed. So, i went to starbucks thinking i might as well just take it easy, juno? There was a very long line, and i noticed there was a girl behind me. She looked somewhat like a junior, so i went, "hey, no school today?" And we started talking from there. She was very nice because unlike some people i've tried to start a conversation with, she always responded with a smile, and she had no sign of thinking me as a weird, crazy person. She was half hawaiian and half filipino, seniorrrrr, and she thought i was 19 (:( i get that a lot). If you asked me, we clicked pretty fast. So, i approached the counter, ordered my Venti Chai Tea Latte with no knowledge whatsoever that i had left my atm at home and had no cash in my wallet! I had told the cashier of my dilemma and told him to cancel it. That's when the girl i had talked to offered to pay for it herself. She kept saying, "don't worry about it. don't worry about it." Tahahah. She's quite the person. So, we ended up talking for about an hour. Talking and sippin'. We found we had a lot in common: music, goals, birthdays in the same month, etc. Before we had left, we properly introduced ourselves and exchanged numbers. MM, i love these kinda things. Meeting someone i probably would never cross paths with in my lifetime. What i liked most, however, was the fact that it made up for my rather disappointing morning.

As the day continued, i had yet to go to another meeeting place. I was at the hospital for about 4 hours! Just sittin', talking, waiting, sittin', waitin', talking. It's not as boring as it seems because, again, i had started up a conversation with 4 new people. They were all college kids. Very very determined people. Just like the last story, we did not properly introduce ourselves. In fact, i don't think we ever got to that. Anyways, there was one girl who had noticed that i was filipino (hello, ms. obvious) and it just so happened that we were born at the same island in the PI. She went to the same school as my ma, and we both shared a common goal. I'm not sure where our conversation led us, but it was really cool. I think i know more about her than the people in the room who had already known her for some time. Moreover, they made the 4 hours worth while, and i had enjoyed it.

OH, the acts of destiny. OH, the chemistry of perfect strangers.

I often tell people, "you know, i find it easier talking to strangers than to people i already know." They respond with a, "really?!" Why, yes of course. There's no disappointment because there's no expectation. Plus, there's just beauty in acknowledging people's existence. You never know, they might just save the day.